InsomniaReview: Cloverfield

I WAS going to make this brief... so as not to 'spoil' this highly anticipated movie for anyone. But... thinking about it... there really isn't anything spoiler worthy in this whole damn movie. Yeah, you heard me. From start to finish, Cloverfield is highly predictable. If you've seen a "man vs. the whatever" movie in say, the last 50 years, you'll be able to predict what's coming down the line a mile off. The ending (spoiler alert: everybody dies) is a bit of a surprise, but only if you aren't paying attention.

Now, let me start by talking about what I liked about the movie, before I chop it into a thousand little pieces. I LOVE monster movies. Love em. Godzilla, Gamera, you name it, I'll watch it. Hell, I even managed to squeeze some enjoyment out of the American made Godzilla movie. (Hey, screw you, the visual effects were pretty good. I mean, they managed to make Ann Heche look like she possesses a soul. That's quite a feat!) So, I love the PREMISE for Cloverfield. A monster attacks Manhattan (you had me at hello, sailor). And you, the viewer, follow along from the viewpoint of a handheld camera as a group of 20-something, trendy New Yorkers must... ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK.

That reminds me... I had a dream about Kurt Russel last night... sorry, what?
Oh yes, Cloverfield.
So, the whole concept isn't half bad. I mean, aside from having a bunch of yuppies as your entire cast. Giant monster. New York. Add to that some really great visual effects, a few cleverly written and executed sequences, and you've got yourself a sure win.

Except.
I hated absolutely every fucking character in that god damn movie. And the subplots left me rooting for the god damn monster.
We start off with a happy scene of Rob (the main character, I suppose) and Beth (his pseudo girlfriend) being all lovely-dovey for about 10 minutes. This should be your first clue that things will end tragically for the pair. As the "prologue" continues, we discover that Rob is some kind of emotional cripple, terrified of either commitment or expressing himself, and Beth is the kind of rotten bitch who will bring her new boyfriend to your "I'm leaving the country" party, a month after you two finally hooked up.
For those of you keeping score at home, Rob = pussy. Beth = slut. All caught up? Okay, moving on. We're next introduces to Rob's brother and HIS girlfriend. Out of the lot, Rob's brother is probably the only character I would have liked to see more of. He was a straight shooter, spoke his mind, and he was an ass. Good times, you ask me. But don't get attached, he's doesn't make it very long. Lily, or Liz, whatever the hell her name is, the girlfriend, is completely worthless. She's one of those well meaning types who's best left in the background. Seriously, you could have written her out of the movie entirely and nothing would have changed.
And that brings us to our final pair... Marlena (fucking New Yorkers and they're made up names) and Hud. Yeah. Hud. Hud is my least favorite character by FAR. Two reasons. One, he's the cameraman for the run of the movie. He is the lens through which we get to experience this film. And he's a fucking simpleton. I'm not being mean, or cruel. He is made out, in the film, to be a fool.
We've all known that guy who can't shut up, can't keep a secret, says the wrong thing at the wrong time, and who is completely immune to sarcasm. This is Hud. He carries us, along with his juvenile crush on Marlena, through the entire movie, blithering like an idiot the whole way. I suppose Hud was meant to be likeable, but he's not. He's an oaf. Personally, I would have rather had someone clever narrating this movie, but no. We get Hud. And as for Marlena.. well, see Lily (or Liz?) above.
So that's your cast. From there, the movie proceeds as expected. Rob and Beth have an argument at the party, because she's a WHORE. Hud moves around the party, establishing that he is an idiot to everyone there. And just as you start wondering if you've walked in on OC: The Movie, the monster saves us all from the travails of trust fund baby life and attacks the city. People are scared. Special effects ensue. An attempt to escape Manhattan is made, ending in tragedy and death. Rob recieves a call from Beth, who is hurt and trapped. He must save her (minutes after the death of his brother), and his idiot friends must help! And so Rob and Frodo... sorry, Hud, travel to Mount Doom, sorry, Beth's apartment, yada yada yada. Some people die, some people don't die soon ENOUGH, and in the meantime we occasionally get to see the military's vain attempts to stop the giant stonking monster rampaging through the city.

So, all in all, Cloverfield has a great premise, and fantastic promise. The monster bits are great, well done. Abrams is clearly a fan of the genre. But all the romantic subplots and character development was extremely shallow, and felt unnecessarily added on. Like a spoiler on a Dodge Neon, they served no purpose. I, for one, would have preferred more monster, thank you.

But by far the shittiest part of Cloverfield was the deluge of viral internet crap I had to wade through for the last 8 months. I mean, shit. After all the hype, you'd have thought this was the second coming of our Lord and Destroyer, Cthulhu. But it's not. It's not terrible, but it's not great, and it's certainly not as good as we'd been lead to believe. So, Kudos, nice marketing job, but I think I'll wait for the inevitable sequel on DVD.

VERDICT: If you REALLY like giant monsters, and can ignore or sit through pointless and shallow character interactions, and have an extra $12, go ahead. There will be worse movies to see this year, I'm sure. But if you think you should probably wait for it on video, you're probably right.