I just thought you should know...

...that right this VERY second, every dead astronaut and rocket scientist in this country's history is spinning in his grave fast enough to generate electricity.

Yes, that's right.

Why, you ask?

Galileo.

No, not the mother fucker with the telescope. The space exploration probe. You remember that. You learned about it in school. Oh, what's that you say? You were too fucking STONED to learn anything in high school science class? Well, okay. I can't claim I'm surprised.

Allow ME to refresh your memory.

The Galileo space probe is an unmanned craft we shot towards Jupiter in 1989, to get a NICE good look at that fucker. Any time you've ever seen a picture of Jupiter, that's been from Galileo.

Galileo orbited Jupiter 34 times and obtained the first direct measurements of its atmosphere by sending a descent probe parachuting down toward the planet in 1995.
It detected evidence of underground salt water oceans on Jupiter's moons Europa, Ganymede and Callisto, and examined the lively, intensely hot, volcanoes on the moon Io.

But most importantly, this probe has traveled 2.8 billion miles, a journey that took it 14 years, just so it could suicide dive into Jupiter, transmitting data all the while, sacrificing it's mechanical existence for the sake of human science and advancement.

Do you know how I know all this?

I saw a news broadcast about it on the BBC. The fucking BBC.

Do you know why YOU don't know this?

Because fucking John Ritter died. And we're a country in mourning.

Do I really need to go into how specifically horrible that is? How utterly ridiculous that is? Do I need to tell you how disgusted I am with this country right now?

I scanned the American news. Didn't see one god damn thing on Galileo. Perhaps the LAST great undertaking of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, and it didn't even get a 3 minute spot on the local news.

You know what? I'm fucking GLAD John Ritter is dead. You dumb fucks can mourn him all you want, but frankly, if you're under the age of 27, the only reason you even know who John Ritter fucking IS is because Ted Turner had a hard on for threesomes (and Susan Sommers), and got Three's Company reruns to air on TBS.

We lost contact with the Galileo probe at 3:40 p.m. EDT, as it slammed into Jupiter's upper atmosphere and tore itself to shreds, sending back data until the last possible second.

Where were you when that happened? Were you watching the fucking FONZ talk about what a great guy John Ritter was and getting all teared up? Were you nodding your head in disapproval upon hearing that Ben Affleck and J-Lo broke up? People, CAST ASIDE YOUR FUCKING CELEBRITIES, and see the BIG PICTURE. Our species is going BACKWARDS. The most topical or interesting piece of national news today? New season of CSI: Miami on CBS!

DAVID FUCKING CARUSO? Couldn't you people at least pretend to have TASTE?

God I hate you all! I'm going to go drink now. Fuckers.